#also hidan wtf

[zealctry]

Tobi raises his fists and takes a ridiculous fighting stance. "I'm ready, Bitch!" Hidan's new nickname.

you know what? he considers it, he does. promise! yet it is hard to hold onto his ( easily prompted ) irritation when faced with such a ludicrous stance. even when it is laced with an insult ( threat? ). taking Tobi seriously, on any given day, requires somewhat of an effort ; one that Hidan is rarely willing to exert. ( what's the saying, now...? we can smell our own? it's funny because playing dumb one of Hidan's own tactics. to have it turned on him is bizarre. but fuck it all, it doesn't make it any less effective. )

but instead of reaching for a weapon, he casually reaches over to pull open a bag of chips, and promptly stuffs a handful into his mouth.

" you'll hurt yourself, kiddo. " ( or, at least, that would be the rough translation of the muffled sounds that leave his mouth, in-between crunching noises. remember kids, don't speak with your mouth full if you wish to communicate effectively! )

[kankuroplease]

Hi, hope you’re having a good morning/afternoon/night

I wanted to ask your opinion/thoughts on any Hanabi x Canon ships you like? She kinda has an odd age gap with the main cast. 5 years isn’t that bad but it kinda depends on what ages they meet at (preferably when she is 20+). The obvious answer might be konohamaru or someone on his team but none of those really do anything for me.

Sorry this is kinda long. Also praying this didn’t come off as weird😅

Ngl Hanabi x canon ships would be limited if a little age gap and shared adolescence is weird for you because, like you said, the vast majority of canon characters are older than her and team Ebisu + she’s the next Hyuga clan head to be, no? Kinda hard to find someone that’s outside of konoha with a title like that.

So, I’m going to toss the ages out the window and go off of vibes (because I can’t say I actually have a Hanabi canon ship I hardcore ship):

Safe bets:

Hanabi x Konohamaru - it’s a good safe and cute ship

Hanabi x Moegi - it could be a really cute ship romantic or platonic!

Hanabi x Shino - there’s absolutely no way Shino would’ve had a real attraction to her before they were somewhat colleagues/spent time together. Plus I’m always here for Shino having a partner that’s a little more bold and confident

Hanabi x Lee - another one that wouldn’t develop an attraction until they spent time together. Both can throw hands, their energies kinda just align, and Lee would definitely try to win Hiashi’s approval

Hanabi x Gaara - as the younger sister of a quiet person, she’s equipped with the ability to strike up conversation in creative ways. Biggest problem is is that he’s a Kage and she’s set to lead the Hyuga

Hanabi x Kankuro - which brings me here. The only problem with this ship is the people that would have to tolerate them as a couple. Definitely would have prank wars.

Hanabi x Karui - two beautiful women that don’t hesitate in a fight? Yeah that’s a hot couple. ALSO, she offers a more mature balance to Hanabi’s playfulness

Hanabi x Yukimaru - give him the three tails and give Hiashi a headache that both his daughters are with jinchuriki

questionable/hear me out/kpz wtf!?:

If you don’t like big age gaps, don’t want possible angst, or villains DO NOT read more

Hanabi x Naruto - as a NaruHina shipper, it pains me to say they vibe, but they do so well. So I’m going to avoid it for my mental health and to avoid sibling conflict 💀

Hanabi x Shisui - Given he would be anbu, there’s a totally reasonable possibility they wouldn’t have actually met despite being in the same village. Also, his cheekiness compliments hers.

Hanabi x Hidan - wait, comeback! I’m going to hold your hand when I say this; they would be a bizarre power couple if Hanabi went rouge as an adult and stitched this man back together. This ofc wouldn’t really be romantic as much as a relationship of convenience

Hanabi x toneri - I’ve lost you at this point, but here me out. What IF he hadn’t done what he did in the last and they just met. Teaching your blind space bf how to people could have been sweet and also hilarious if he just flew away when Hiashi caught him visiting. Also the child they could have you be a force of nature

[ladykissingfish]

what if Sasori and Deidara were in high school and like Deidara is a sophomore and Sasori is a Senior and Deidara is crushing hard on Sasori and his bestie Hidan tells him he’s sick of hearing about it so go up and tell the guy you like him or something so Deidara goes up to him during lunch and he’s like Hey aren’t you in one of my classes and Sasori’s like No? And Deidara’s like Are you sure because I feel like we have chemistry together and he smiles like it’s the best pickup line anyone in the universe has ever thought of but it goes right over Sasori’s head and he just says No sorry you must be thinking of someone else and goes back to his book and Deidara hangs his head in defeat and goes back to his own table where Hidan is howling with laughter and Itachi is scratching his head because wtf HE wrote that joke for Deidara but oh well guess it’s back to the drawing board and yeah. also I was supposed to be asleep an hour ago but I’ve been dozing off and on and I just stopped my YouTube sleepy time video to tap this out. so. 🤷🏽‍♀️ going to bed for real now 💯

[thissidewashereiguess]

I- omg I just need to rant about this somewhere- but I have to do it here because I don’t want to spoil people who read my Naruto fanfic on another site—

*calm breath*

YA’LL WHEN I SAY THAT I WAS WRITING IN MY NOTES GIFTS BEING PASSED DOWN BY OTSUTSUKI (rationale created thanks to Hidan/Jashin fannon and my self-insert’s circumstances) BEFORE KNOWING ABOUT WTF WAS GOING DOWN IN KARA IN BORUTO AND WHAT THE HELL SHINJUTSU WAS— LIKE— this shits been in my notes for months and you’re telling me it’s cannon?!?!?!?!7;$3!;&4!:&;8/‘baunjfirnbdusndbfyiwwklxjudjsbdhsudbdbjdjdhdhh

THAT’S AWESOME!!!!!!!!

https://naruto.fandom.com/wiki/Shinjutsu

I’m so giddy knowing my silly little fanfic is on track to being somewhat cannon without even knowing. I might not go that route in my fic, that stuff is for way later chapters, but like.

omg 🥰

It’s just so neat to me!

I was skimming through the manga after only knowing the core children basically for so long because I wanted to know more, then I wanted to see if the time-skip outfits were really that bad for the girls (Salad my baby 😭 no), then I went to the newest chapter and the Kashin guy started talking and suddenly— suddenly my fannon was kinda cannon!

My really basically thinking before was “okay, I’ve given my SI one crazy power that’s not a jutsu or jutsu connected thing. Hidan is crazy and honestly acts modern and SI like. Hidan also has that kind of single power thing. People think Jashin is Otsutsuki. SI is made by Toneri. Hidan can be made by Jashin. They both get special powers gifted from Otsutsuki. Boom!- I have a core system in place for my characters, especially if I ever get to write for Boruto.”

Then I read the manga and everything at 2AM and the rest is history— meaning now—

I know I’m talking to a void, but I just wanted to share the neat little experience I just had, even just with the void (since I’ll probably forget to bring it up to my readers when the time is spoiler free). :)

That was fun. I’m going to sleep now. Ikemoto’s downfall will be planned in the morning over what he’s doing to those girls— I still haven’t forgotten

[grogetta]

kakashi saying to naruto “you know, compared to the others, you’re a little bit…….. weird” during the bell test just to get hit back with “oh yeah? the only weird thing here is your haircut”

the fake naruto's “and that forehead? more like a five head” to sakura

actually every single joke about sakuras 'huge' forehead which did not look even a little bit bigger than anyone else's

when the jonin were all in one room discussing the new intel that itachi had returned to look for naruto and that they absolutely could not tell sasuke this, for sasuke to then walk in and ask what was going on, only to be interrupted by some random guy bursting in the door and screaming "IS IT TRUE ITACHI UCHIHA HAS RETURNED TO THE VILLAGE AND HES LOOKING FOR NARUTO???" and that's how sasuke found out.

jiraya telling a 12 year old naruto that he was sexy when he was naked. seriously. wtf was that about.....................

gaara crushing lees bones in the chunin exams so badly that lee had to undergo life-or-death surgery if he wanted to be a shinobi again

obitos "these fools could never make me sweat"

kurama possessing naruto just to yeet kakashi at obito in the middle of a battle

naruto using the thousand years of death on gaara/shukaku with a paperbomb-tagged kunai

kankuro using sasoris corpse as his own puppet after the aforementioned ass whooping by his granny and a teenage girl

sai speculating on the size of narutos balls. also sai throwing his arm around naruto and then leaning in for a kiss out of nowhere

karin moaning insanely suggestively every time sasuke bit her to heal

kisame using samehada to carry dead bodies

tobi sticking his ass out from behind a tree and pretending to be a schoolgirl in love with her senpai (aka deidara) just to fuck with him

kakuzu mocking hidan for getting his head cut off after hidan taunted deidara for getting his arms ripped off

obito and madara double roasting naruto because madaras insults went so far over narutos head that obito had to translate them

obito using kakashis hand to form hand signs ................only to just double kick him in the jaw

tobi toying with kakashi and co by literally swatting them with a stick. also his 'frill necked lizard' plus 'whack-a-mole jutsu'

Disrespectful moments in Naruto I think about a Lot™

that first lee vs sasuke fight. humbled isn't even the word to describe that.

gai calling kisame a puffer fish to his face, in all seriousness and sincerity

14 year old itachi catching legendary sannin orochimaru in a genjutsu and toying with him. actually, any time Itachi opens his mouth.

that one man groping a 12 year old Sakura and her roundhouse kicking him in the face (deserved)

deidara and sasori arguing about their philosophies surrounding art while using gaara's corpse as a sofa

hidan picking out what instruments konan, kakuzu, and itachi played because he thought they were an emo rock band

hashirama: I'll deal with you later

naruto punching sasuke square in the mouth so hard that he quadruple flipped in the air

literally any time itachi interacts with sasuke after the massacre wtf why was he so MEAN

killer bee too focused on coming up with lyrics to fight but still somehow winning against team hebi

Please feel free to add on

[theshadowrealmitself]

Physically I’m doing hw

Emotionally I’m imagining a character stuck in a time loop trying to prevent the destruction of humanity, and with the love the have for humanity increasing with every loop, plus their power, along with the fact that they keep actively making humans’ lives better in every loop turns them into some kind of luck deity

So instead of it becoming super angsty, they just keep giving luck to humans until they break the loop and then after that they just go around passing out luck whenever they can (with a kiss) (giving “a kiss for luck” a very literal meaning)

[awkwardwithasideofdisappointing]

Thanks to the kid I babysit my love of Naruto has been rekindled.

More specifically Hidan.

I miss my boy.

[ihavenocarinsurance]

Akatsuki Headcanons:

Holding hands for the first time

When I say I am sick n tired of rereading the same old akatsuki smut shit I mean it. Don't get me wrong, shit is well written. I am simply not horny. At least not as much as sumn of us. So, here we have a cute, fluffy headcanon made by me at 5:08am randomly bc I said so

CHARACTERS: Deidara, Sasori, Itachi, Kisame, Hidan, Kakuzu

GENRE: fluff

READER: genderneutral

CONTEXT: established romantic relationship, however it is still very fresh

EXTRA INFO: Since I am doing this with no preparation other than angr my interpretation of the characters might not allign with your ideas which is fine but criticism is always welcome

Deidara

If there was a gif showing this mf red as a tomato I'd use that one because this fella strikes me as someone who would be shOCKED

Not because he didn't necessarily expect it. He is a smart bboi in his own way but yk how some people do not go easy with emotions like some others do? yh he doesn't-That's what is happening

he is overjoyed but also anxious but so relieved yet so shook

is he holding your hand too tight? is we sweating? should he stfu or maybe talk abt something? if that mf tongue slips-

You'll probably notice how he has gone from the deidara who never shuts up to something else. You don't know what it is, but it has two functional legs for sure so that's cool

lean on him, get closer, kiss him- idc just love this man. it WILL break him but pls just go ahead-

Sasori

I love this man omg

pls give this dude some affection he gets no bitches

but now fr, I do think that he is very good at keeping himself calm when thinking of fights throughout the entire series. However, the difference is that while he is used to calming himself when in serious trouble this situation is different. he isn't in danger nor does he have a problem but it is uncalm for sure

amused yet clueless because oi yes holding hands but hdjsjd what now- maybe a little more awkward

if you were to hold his hand while leaning against him when tired that would make the situation easier for him because of the purpose

but let's say you guys are walking and you grab his hand while walking next to him. yh i can guarantee you it will be awkward

might even just straight up ask wtf you're doing

maybe this is just me being so in love with him that I just crave him softly smiling and kissing his s/o's head but jdjzjdjsjs mf is short as hell my 5"7 ass can go home

Itachi

so prettyuyyays

he expected some sort of physical affection at some point bc well that is normal (ig?) and welcomes it happily

i just know that he has been craving love and connection and canon-canon Itachi would probably not even engage with anyone on that level but we are in the middle of a pandemic and dont need that, we need smth that makes us feel loved

while holding hands might not be his favourite type of physical affection i can see him even engaging with you in that way when you walk or sit next to one another, maybe also when you cuddle in bed

in comparison to sasori, this wouldn't really ever become awkward. He doesn't lack the talking skills and even works towards avoiding such awkward silences for your comfort

Kisame

Big hands, you're not holding those you're holding his two fingers in your hands bc how tf-

But we love us some big hands and Kisame

surprised at first but plays it cool. he'll prob won't even attempt to hide his surprise and just smile while he flirts or attempts to make you blush too

no matter when you'd attempt to hold his hand for the first time, you could be in the middle of a normal conversation and he would stop talking/listening and direct all attention to your hands

its kinda funny with how fast he switches from surprised n blushing, to looking and then flirting

the flirting/attempt to make you blush too is his way of making himself less anxious abt the situation. he shares his misery with you and you both just laugh it off

I can easily imagine him offering you his hand to hold in the future bc why the hell not

Hidan

"Hm? What is that about?"

genuinely clueless

its not because he doesn't enjoy physical affection but more like he just goes ???

does he prefer stuff like cuddling, hugging and kissing over holding hands? sure

but he acknowledges your courage and holds your hand more often in order to make you happy and not feel rejected or anything. besides y'all can take it slow

he'd def be the type to give you a kiss on the back of your hand every. single. damn. time.

tho unless holding hands is the only way of being affetionate he prefers doing something else while also holding your hand like cuddling, caressing your hair/back, kissing you, hugging etc

therefore you should expect some kisses after answering his stupid questions

Kakuzu

Man loves you but pls dont interrupt him

so let's say he is free and is simply existing. go ahead. hold his hand. he will probably just sigh but definitely hold your hand

depending on the situation this either leads to cuddling, hugging or another conversation (topic)

he prefers cuddling once both of you lay down to sleep after everything else is done however holding hands rarely rly stands in the way like you can walk perfectly while holding hands so why complain

holding hands is not really his favourite type of affection neither smth he really initiates like ever but he wouldn't reject you either

[mixelation]

@tozettastone said it was interesting i chose to include consideration for content available in my rankings rather than just voting with my heart. so here's my "I Have Perceived The Truth" ranking of ships. disclaimer that this based on my personal preferences and i am not telling you object facts or trying to make you feel bad if i ranked your ship low:

6. Kisame/Itachi - I'm sorry. This is the "if it were a spice, it'd be flour" ship. Even the interesting permutations of this ship (e.g., where we actually confront Kisame's hatred for liars vs Itachi's entire life being a lie) are deeply boring to me. It is the pickle the comes with my sandwich. Yeah, if I finish the sandwich and am still hungry, I'll eat it. But more likely I'll give it to someone else or toss it.

5. Pein/Konan - Also boring but I want Konan to have some me time. Ranks slightly higher because unlike with Itachi, I don't have like seven other Konan ships that are 100x more interesting in my head.

4. Kakuzu/Hidan - They are married. However they are not my favorites. I am sorry.

3. Sasori/Deidara - They are NOT married but I like both of them individually more than I like Kakuzu and Hidan. We do see Deidara verbalize respect for Sasori, and although Sasori does not verbalize any sort of respect for Deidara in canon, this is still more to build a ship with than like 70% of the ships I'm into. I do think they'd both be slightly moire interesting in other ships, but I like the concept behind this one.

2. Deidara/Tobi - They are oddly friendly despite the violence and screaming and intentional annoyance, and I love lies. I love the potential of the WTF moment caused by identity shenanigans. Cannot get first place because, while Deidara is a fantastic main character for the type of content I like to rotate, I go back and forth on how much I like Obito, le sigh.

1.Sasori/Orochimaru - This could be the biggest brained ship of all time. Why are you all denying me this. i KNOW this team up would be so petty and dramatic that it's hard to even think about, but we should take that risk. It'd be worth it

How about... Akatsuki partner ships ranked? 👀

yeah okay. worst to best

6. Pein/Konan - Look, they have the devotion thing down. You want angst? They have angst, and also a vaguely punk rock aesthetic that seems like it shouldn't exist in universe, which is at least visually interesting. However, Kishimoto forgot to give either of them personalities. They both appear to be the same flavor of Mildly Morose. You would think being leaders of a terrorist organization aiming to end the world's magical military forces via snatching up all the weapons of mass destruction for themselves would make for an interesting power couple, but it just..... doesn't? This ship is bereft of content because even the most versatile shippers don't know what to do with it.

5. Kisame/Itachi - Listen, I know this one will be controversial. I know this one has some very dedicated fans. And I am here to inform those fans that this ship is boring. Look. You just have to accept it. It's okay. Do you know how much MinaKushi I write? I'm not judging you. Sometimes you just want something boring and unchallenging. Their canon dynamic is largely Kisame just doing whatever Itachi wants, and fans are usually too cowardly to let Itachi act insane enough for the dynamic to be interesting. This ship is for people who think black pepper is spicy.

4. Orochimaru/Sasori - I wanted to rank this one higher. Do you know how potentially insane this ship is? Do you understand? Do you know how many nonconsensual surgeries of third parties this ship involves? The stolen bones? The crimes against humanity? The fall out and betrayal and obsession? This should be the greatest, most insane ship of all time. But I've read how it's written. This ship will only disappoint you. Only pain lies here.

3. Tobi/Deidara - This one also seems like it should make for a deeply insane ship, and yet is rarely delivered on. Their canon dynamic is fun, and also its implications turn completely mind-blowingly bonkers post identity reveal. Like what is Obito even doing here? I can only assume his crush on Deidara was just strong enough he got distracted from taking over the world for like six months in order to harass him. Cannot rank higher because fanon Obito is too annoying to read for more than a couple thousand words, and people who ship Deidara with men keep turning him into a sad little uwu bean. You will find some fun things, but also you will find the most annoying OOC content on the planet.

2. Kakuzu/Hidan - They! Are! Married! Bizarrely, the pair that have the most cooperative and supportive on-screen dynamic, which gets them to second place. Unfortunately fans think Kakuzu's entire personality is scamming people for money, and not even in a fun Ed Edd n Eddy way. Also Hidan is usually just like. Protestant with extra steps. How did this happen? We don't know. Fortunately there's a least a small amount of good content out there for them and their married life. They're happy. Hundreds are dead, but they are having a good time.

1.Sasori/Deidara - Genuinely confused about how this one won first. Like I like this ship, okay. It just seems like it shouldn't be number one, and yet here it is. They have a well-established canon dynamic that's a little bit spicy but also leaves room for cooperation. They're both small pretty boys so fans are less determined to sort them into the gender binary of "dark chuckling sex god" and "sad precious uwu bean." There's a wealth of content that doesn't suck and even maybe sometimes gets a little interesting. You will have to read the most cardboard, unnuanced dialogue about art, but it's not like canon was churning out high quality dialogue there either.

[zealctry]

why. WHY does Hidan have a 3/5 in genjutsu according to the stats book? that’s 60%, and this guy couldn’t do genjutsu to save his life ( it’s funny because jiraiya also had a score of 3, I think. and he’s in the same boat, albeit knowning how to break free from it. actually. Hidan has an uncomfortable amount of personal experience with genjutsu but let's not go there ). actually. his intelligence score is also 3. and whilst people love to give Hidan shit about being an idiot, he actually isn’t one, no matter how much he pretends to be, or how rash and impulsive he is. ( in fact, if we go with a score of 60% on a normal distribution bell curve, he’d be average to above average ).

wtf.

anyway, these are just thoughts to justify the fact that I am taking .5 points out of his genjutsu and throwing it into his taijutsu, thanks. ( have you seen the guy move, in combat? ).  thanks for coming to my TED talk.

[yowyowyaoi]

Scenes or Comic Panels I Would Draw If I Could Draw BC Some Of My Chatpost Ideas I See Better As Pictures Not Words.

*(very large) Couch in the Akatsuki living room, Hidan and Kakuzu making out on left side, Kisame and Itachi snuggling under a blanket on the right, Konan sitting by herself in the middle, remote in hand, bowl of popcorn on lap, annoyed look on her face. Everyone in pajamas. In background Sasori and Deidara, Deidara sitting on counter, legs wrapped around Sasori who’s in front of him, also making out.

*Sasori is a Siren. beautiful mermaid leads sailors to crash into the rocks from listening to his song. Deidara a sailor, in boat by himself, is able to sail calmly right up to Sasori’s rock, Sasori wondering wtf is going on until Deidara starts signing (ASL) to him asking directions.

*Kakashi back after long mission, left Gai to watch dogs, Kakashi walks into apartment, is chaotic mess, dog food everywhere, fur on everything, pages of Icha Icha bitten out of books and shredded all over floor. Gai sound asleep on the couch.

*Orochimaru lair. Kabuto trying to teach Sasuke to play chess. Keeps insisting Sasuke is cheating. “Well let’s get Lord Orochimaru to settle this!” Orochimaru nopes-out of room.

*Itachi tells Kisame he can’t sleep, Kisame makes him tea. Deidara tells Sasori he can’t sleep, Sasori holds out tequila bottle to him.

*This would be graphic and/or censored but … Sasori’s detachable appendage coming loose and getting stuck in Deidara’s “special area” and them having to wake up Kakuzu in the middle of the night to remove it. Hidan was in bed with him and he’s laughing so hard during Deidara’s procedure that he wakes up everyone else so now everyone knows about Sasori and Deidara

*Deidara and Kakashi having a literal tug of war over Obito, Rin and Minato in heaven shaking their heads and Itachi and Kisame in heaven holding back a frothing at the mouth Sasori.

*Deidara wearing a kimono kneeling in front of Madara gritting his teeth sweating bullets asking for permission to marry Obito. Itachi in kitchen making eggs for Sasuke and trying to calm down a nervous Obito. 

*Kakashi checking on each of his sleeping students while babysitting. Goes into Sasuke’s room he’s stabbing his pillow with a kunai mumbling about Itachi. Goes into Naruto’s room he’s eaten half of his pillow mumbling about ramen. Thinks he’ll go into Sakuras room and she’ll be normal but she’s levitating several feet above her bed with her eyes glowing green. Kids wake up the next day find Kakashi hiding in a pillow fort, clutching a kunai, shaking, clearly hasn’t slept.

*Deidara and Hidan in prison, tough as nails prisoners. assigned to laundry duty. Hidan “accidentally” puts a red sock into a big vat of all-white uniforms. next day everyone is running around in a pink uniform. prisoners decidedly more calm. some embroidering flowers on their collar. warden comes in and there’s a line to Deidara waiting to get their nails painted.

[goddess-of-green]

Hey again, I was wondering if you can do all Akatsuki with an s/o who is really strong like they can lift up heavy objects or carry them over their shoulder or bridal style

Warnings: Fem!Reader, language, mentions of violence

◙ Tobi

◳ Tobi honestly loves it

◳ He'll run up to bear hug you and then you'll just turn the tables and pick him up and spin him around

◳ He thinks it's really attractive and your sheer strength is dizzying

◳ Or maybe that's from all the spinning

◳ Sometimes when he might get a little vulnerable you can just wrap your arms around him and make him feel safe in your strong arms

◙ Pain

◳ Your strength is fit for a goddess, of course

◳ It is to be expected, that the one who will create a new world with him must be powerful enough to make the world quake at their feet

◳ Though that doesn't mean Pain isn't restraining a blush when you destroy the ground underneath your opponent's feet, or offer to carry him <3

◳ He will strongly resist when you want to pick him up, he is a god, not your cute little wife, dammit!

◳ Wrapping your arms around him and pulling him into your chest is as far as he'll let you go maybe one day you can carry him on your shoulders, but not today :,)

◙ Itachi

◳ Itachi is very proud of you, you are very stronk

◳ He worries less about you when he knows that you can hold your own

◳ It humbles him when you effortlessly sweep him up in your arms

◳ He likes it though

◳ Itachi likes to cuddle with you, but in private

◳ He could not bear the teasing if Kisame found out he liked to be the little spoon

◙ Kakuzu

◳ It's one of the things that attracted him to you, to be honest

◳ A strong, seasoned warrior, he wouldn't have it any other way

◳ He likes elegant and independent women, he is not a brat tamer

◳ He will be one if he has to though

◳ He'll get mad if you try to pick him up, and his ego will be just a little hurt if you succeed

◙ Kisame

◳ Kisame probably loves your strength the most out of all the other Akatsuki

◳ He just can't describe the happy and amused feeling he gets knowing you could literally deadlift him

◳ It looks so fucking ridiculous when he's on your shoulders and he just gets a kick out of it

◳ He would 100% let you pick him up, whenever

◳ Kisame also thinks it's super hot when you fight, he thinks you're totally amazing and he'd be your cheerleader if he didn't want to fight too

◙ Sasori

◳ Lowkey has PTSD from Sakura, but cool babe

◳ Sasori admires your strength, and has remarked that you would make for an interesting puppet

◳ You had to make him promise to keep his puppet-making hands to himself

◳ He doesn't want to be picked up or carried in any way, but sometimes you can surprise him and he'll just go with it

◳ "Dear, what is the purpose of carrying me from place to place? Women like to do useless things don't they..."

◙ Deidara

◳ Deidara is so prideful about it

◳ He just wants to destroy Itachi with you

◳ It hurts his ego a little bit when you carry him but sometimes you have to because he does dumb shit like get both of his arms blown off in one day

◳ Sometimes he tries to rope you into his shenanigans with Tobi and get you to beat him up

◳ "C'mon, un! Please! Just once, ya know...to teach him a lesson!"

◙ Hidan

◳ It turns him on so much wtf

◳ Loves to see you fuck a bitch up, even if that bitch is him

◳ Sometimes he'll let you carry him, if his ass is tired or something, but other times he'll be too prideful and say no

◳ Hidan honestly loves everything about how strong you are, and he lets you know that very explicitly

◳ "Damn baby, you could literally put a whole through my heart...well, I guess you already have, haha."

◙ Konan

◳ Konan blushes and subtly cheers you on like a soccer mom

◳ She secretly loves it when you carry her bridal style

◳ (it makes her feel like a princess)

◳ Konan loves to watch you fight and assert your dominance, she thinks it's very hot

◳ "You're doing great baby," or "You're so strong darling."

◙ Zetsu

◳ White Zetsu will blush and awe at you, practically with stars in his eyes

◳ Black Zetsu is less impressed, but he also admires your strength

◳ White Zetsu will blush if you pick him up, Black Zetsu will be embarrassed and probably snap at you.

◳ White Zetsu would beg to watch you fight and Black Zetsu would pretend that it's dumb but he secretly likes to watch too

◳ "Your strength is...Truly amazing, darling! Just like you~...That's...not what I was going to say."

[hidansbabygirl]

That's so true honestly....even I know how the novels and games really get made. But what can I do, there's literally no info about Hidan in the actual manga which stinks. All they tell us is that he has a religion and he's suicidal af, like.....how are you gonna drop that absolute bomb as an opening and then not elaborate, Kishi, wtf.

Hidan : if she could kill me, I'd let her, I'd like nothing better than to be killed.

Me : Who tf starts a conversation like that, I just sat down!

While I normally wouldn't be using 5/5 ninjutsu for Hidan's stats as a child, he.... definitely doesn't have that as an adult. He wouldn't get buried so embarrassingly if he did, like...come on. He couldn't do a fireball at Shikamaru's face while the mf was gloating? And there has to be a reason behind how an albino even survived a war, no? Especially since we can be pretty sure nobody bothered to take him in and officially train him, not during a war when his anti-camouflage could cause life or death situations. Plus, they did blame a six year old for a massacre (sorry, the novel again but that's literally all the info we're allowed to have 💔) and there was a spinoff manga where it's hinted at just how much of a taboo topic Hidan has become to his village. So I just assumed we'd have to go with his current stats as the childhood ones.

What would you say some other headcanons you have about Hidan? Even your hcs are really good! Also, do you consider Boruto to be canon? Just curious 👉👈 they're low-key the same thing, no?

So sorry if I said anything to offend you btw, I got too excited and wrote a bunch of irrelevant things, I apologise. I just love Hidan a lot and get too enthusiastic about him, I hope you can forgive me 🙏

I've seen a comment from @hidansbabygirl regarding timeline stuff, so decided to share some things that I have regarding Hidan and what is known of him on the timeline of the events in Naruto

However, the start of Hidan's life corresponds with some pretty major things going on in the shinobi world, so we actually need to start elsewhere to establish some important facts regarding that, so, with that said, let's take a look at...

Kannabi bridge mission.

Surprising, I know. But Kannabi is very important for establishing when did the Third Shinobi World War ended and, presumably, started. It'll be obvious why this is important a bit later, so let's get into it.

It's actually pretty easy to ascertain the end of the TSWW thanks to the greatest guy to ever greatest guy in history - Obito. Obito is 30 during the events of Shippuden (I believe that the wiki and, likely, the databooks say that he's 31, however having kids in Kakashi's generation have different ages is way too annoying to keep track of + Obito by himself has a lot of events that involve literal fucking timetraveling, so for the sake of my sanity, everyone in Kakashi's generation is 30 during Shippuden). Obito is 13 during the events of Kannabi bridge (as stated in his profile in second databook, I believe?), so we know that between his untimely demise and miraculous ressurection 17 years have passed.

and here's the finale of Kakashi Gaiden. the wording of this page pretty heavily implies that following the destruction of Kannabi bridge, the TSWW ended (considering how many events unrelated to it are going to follow in literally the next year alone, it better fucking did, otherwise Kishimoto is incredibly bad with numbers). So, we know for certain that the end of that particular war was 17 years before the events of Shippuden.

Now let's remember another major date that pops up here and there during Kakashi Gaiden - the failure and subsequent suicide of Kakashi's father, Hatake Sakumo, which took place 5 years before Kannabi. To recap - some sort of important mission, goal vs comrades, Sakumo chooses comrades, mission ends in a failure, everyone hates Sakumo, including the very same comrades, Sakumo kills himself. Now here's the thing - even if Sakumo was compared to Sannins, we know pretty much jackshit about when and where he did missions. We've obviously heard about this mission, and there is also a very interesting fact about him killing parents of another Akatsuki-member-to-be - Sasori. However, Sasori was a very young child when it happened (off Chiyo's memories), and Sasori himself fought and ditched Suna during TSWW, so Sakumo fighting against Suna would have taken place in the previous World War, which is the Second.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is - we know nothing of Sakumo's involvement in the TSWW, meaning that he became a legendary and respected figure before it. And we certainly know that there was some mission, he put his comrades' lives over the mission, mission failed, and everyone hated him. And doesn't that seem like a bit of a... overreaction? Considering that during the plot we see quite a few missions being failed and yet it doesn't lead to shinobi in charge of them to becoming pariahs and ending their lives. Unless, of course... the failure of that particular mission had some absolutely catastrophic consequences.

Here's the part that was purely theorized, however I love this theory a lot and I believe that it actually does an amazing job at explaining the events, so here it goes - Hatake Sakumo's mission that took place 5 years before the events of Kannabi bridge mission was the spark that set off the Third Shinobi World War.

And suddenly the way everyone acts makes a lot of sense. Sakumo chose to save his comrades and know all of them watch as their village and country submerges itself into another worldwide meatgrinder? Yeah, no fucking wonder they started hating him, they are also kind of responsible for shit going down. The village despised him? Yeah, alright, everyone now must prepare for another war with like 3 different Greater Nations and think of how their friends and relatives are going to die, of course they can't stand his guts. Sakumo watches his homeland being engulfed into the fires of war caused by his one decision that went against the rules of shinobi? Oh yeah, no wonder he takes his life, no one's honor ever recovers from setting off a literal World War. Young Kakashi wants nothing to do with his father's name and values, even of it's his only (once upon a time) living relative? I mean, your dad's the reason all the adults in the village are getting their mandatory wartime flashbacks to shit thay experienced back during the Second Shinobi World War and you and your classmates instead of having to catch cats somewhere in the village now have to catch boulders with their faces somewhere on the border between Land of Earth and Land of Grass, of course you're not gonna follow his steps in any capacity.

Anyway, you get the idea. Now that I've explained why I believe the beginning of TSWW is assossiated with Hatake Sakumo, we can see that the war lasted for about 5 years, which is pretty reasonable time for at least two generations to get completely fucked over, so this theory passes a sanity check. Thus, we can presume that TSWW started 22 years before the events of Shippuden.

And, as I am sure you are aware, 22 is a magical number for this post, because Hidan is exactly 22 years old in Shippuden

(while searching for info for this post, I've found the English translation of the databook, so here's a bit of it with the main stuff for Hidan)

Now, all of my previous yapping about the dates creates a pretty interesting picture: Akatsuki members can be separated into three clusters (Zetsu and Orochimaru don't count, didn't care + didn't ask + L bozo + asspull plot twists): grandpa Kakuzu as the outlier that literally predates the shinobi village system, the majority of Akatsuki aged 30-40 aka kids born during the Second Shinobi World War and later fucked up by the Third Shinobi World War, and the three kids of the Third Shinobi World War aka Hidan (22), Itachi (21) and Deidara (19). Who are. You know. Even if they never fought in that war, they are still clearly not okay.

So yeah, one certain thing: Hidan would have been born around the same time as the TSWW was beginning, and, considering that it lasted 5 years, he should, theoretically, be able to remember its last years (the ones that involved sending 13 year olds on the enemy territory on Konoha's side of the conflict, wonderful stuff).

Now we'll be switching to geography because, I mean, how bad could it be for wherever Hidan was born? The answer is - likely pretty fucking bad.

Here's another tidbit from the databook confirming that Hidan was born in Yugakure (the reason why I specifically checked for it was that I was unsure if he simply got his shinobi education(?) in Yugakure or he was actually born there, the first scenario makes things kind of more ambigious; and it is possible, Kushina is an example of someone born in Uzushio and trained in Konoha). Now let's look at the map and see where Yugakure is...

Goddamit it's right in between Land of Fire and Land of Lightining. Literally like the fastest way for either country's army to pass through to fuck up each other. Possibly for Blood Mist too, if they ever got the brightest idea to go fuck up Kumogakure via a land path.

And yes there's no doubt that Konoha and Kumo were fighting in that war (chapter 542)

Ay, Bee and Minato can only be young adults for TSWW + Minato explicitly states that neither Ay nor he are Kage yet, Minato becomes one after the end of the war, while Ay does after his father dies fighting a giant army (figure which village is geographically close to Kumo to pull this) for three days straight. All in all, Kumo and Konoha undoubtedly were against each other during the time Hidan would be learning how to talk and walk, so Yugakure would be stuck between the rock and the hard place.

Which, off the example of Amegakure (granted these poor fuckers are stuck between THREE Greater Nations, and whenever there's a big conflict going on Suna, Iwa and Konoha like to throw the title of "the biggest civilian casualties inflicter" between each other like it's hot potato, but nonetheless) being a small village in this position sucks major ass. Hidan would have been watching his home getting rolled over by Kumo and Konoha repeatedly all childhood, and I think it's pretty safe to say that it's heavily affected him and his hightened interest in all things violent.

And off the paragraph above, we see that Yugakure turned into a resort village after the war ended (this couldn't have happened before or during it, otherwise it raises a question of how the hell Hidan is a shinobi).

(And I love the phrase "all major wars disappeared from the world" - my brother in christ it's been literally just 17 years and everyone's at each others throats again, why is Kishimoto trying to desperately gaslight his readers into believing that it was all bad before but now everyone's in an era of peace, the world is literally in another mid-war period and the world is aware of what these times look like (already happened 2 times))

Ahem. Sorry for going off topic. Now, whether Yugakure stopped being a military center on its own volition due to economic reasons or someone pressured them into demilitarising (once again, there's a pretty big border between the Land of Hot Springs and Land of Fire, and Konoha's got this dude named Danzo who likes having his nose into bordering countries' business, hi again, Ame, and is the literal embodiment of paranoia, considering all of that, such a scenario is possible), the result is the same - Yugakure is now a peaceful village, Hidan is its shinobi who is likely traumatised from the events in TSWW, so he craves some pretty extreme forms of violence. It's kind of obvious why he got tangled with the cult of Jashin.

And then there's... nothing. Literally a blank period. There's no info on Hidan's education as the shinobi (the databook has ??? for this info), Yugakure has no ninja registration system unlike the major hidden villages, so nothing can be inferred off of that, there's some stuff said about cult of Jashin and Hidan being the first successfull immortality experiment, but there are no events corresponding to any of this in the manga or the databooks, so alas, we have no clues what was going on with him before his recruitment into Akatsuki, so let's go into this

Thankfully, there's a bit more on that. Hidan during the six day (jesus christ I really hope Pain, Konan and Obito are paying these guys for the overtime, wtf is that, being stuck with your coworkers for 144 hours) zoom call when they were sealing Isobu and Matatabi argues with Pain and says the following

(chapter 329)

(and yes if you are wondering "hey weren't Hidan and Kakuzu dead by the time Obito and Deidara caught Isobu?", this is one of the prime examples why I don't care for anything stated in the anime, because this is one of the things changed from the original: Isobu is shown to be caught before, I believe, Hidan and Kakuzu even make an appearance, the canon scene for Isobu capture starts with Isobu watching who the fuck woke him up, while Obito and Deidara are yapping as usual before Obito is off to get bullied by this one big turtle for the third fucking time in his life)

Obviously, we know that Tobi joined Akatsuki officially after Sasori's death, during Shippuden events, so Hidan's recruitment would be somewhere before that and literally everyone else in the organization. Konan, Zetsu, Pain were there from the start after Obito took over, Itachi joined 8 years ago (after the Uchiha massacre), I've explained why I believe Deidara was taken 7 years before Shippuden, but obviously it can be anywhere between 7 to 4 years, Kisame would have to be somewhere before Deidara, Sasori would have to be before Itachi (because he was Orochimaru's partner before Itachi came about), Kakuzu could have happened literally at any point after the takeover but before Hidan's joining. So, not much is conclusive here, except that at earliest it would have taken like 7 years before Shippuden.

HOWEVER! There's one scene that actually allows us to establish that Hidan would have been recruited during the timeskip between OG Naruto and Shippuden! And it's everyone's favorite "why the fuck is Deidara upside down on the ceiling" scene

First important thing about Akatsuki: Hidan's figure is very obvious, even during the zoom meetings, considering that he is oftentimes drawn with his scythe. As we can see, no scythe in sight.

But that's not the weirdest thing in this picture. I, as a very sane person, have Akatsuki members' heights saved up (rounded up mathematically), so let's take a look at them:

Kisame 195

Kakuzu 185

Obito 182

Itachi 178

Zetsu 177

Hidan 177

Pain 177

Nagato 176

Konan 169

Deidara 166

Sasori 164

Now, after seeing this data, do you see anything conflicting with it on the picture above?

...

...

Who the fuck is this guy? The guy who is TOWERING above Kisame, literally the tallest known member?

My sanity says that the obvious answer is Kishimoto didn't plan shit, the designs for Akatsuki members weren't finished by that point, so we get this weird shit in the chapters before Akatsuki got revealed. Unfortunately, my sanity does not work as an in-universe argument, so the alternative is that this is actually Kakuzu's partner before Hidan (one of the guys that got killed by him), which creates the following chain of events: Akatsuki have this meeting 3 years before Shippuden, Kakuzu kills this 2.5 meter tall dude, and then the HR department aka Pain, Konan and Obito find this one undying cultist and pair them up because goddammit Kakuzu we don't have time for this bullshit, we need to tailedbeastmaxx.

So, as a result, Hidan joined Akatsuki anywhere from 19 to 22 (and I don't remove 22 from the boundary unlike I did with Deidara because Hidan not knowing wtf Akatsuki's goal is in this particular meeting is pretty wild, considering that Isobu and Matatabi are the fourth and fifth Tailed Beast that they are sealing by this point - Deidara said during the Kazekage Rescue arc that before Gaara they already got two jinchuiki, so 2 + Shukaku = 3 before that meeting - and zero times did Hidan think about asking "hey Leader what the fuck are we cooking here")

And I think that's about all I've got in regards to timeline stuff for Hidan. 0-5 - watches the carnage of the Third Shinobi World War, the next like 15 years are in the fog of war, so we only know that he's got his shinobi education, got pissed at the village, joined a cult, obtained immortality, and then from 19 to 22 he is recruited into Akatsuki.

thanks for joining my Tobitalk for today

[musicfeedsmysoul12]

So a ramble of the Izuku si Jashin AU.

Izuku’s been hearing voices rant about sacrifices to Jashin for years. And he’s got some crazy-ass luck that consistently helps him and his mom out. It's a direct like connection as in- someone sacrifices someone to Jashin and then BOOM luck. Which like gets them stuff like lottery prizes or great health care and the such.

Izuku for a while just thinks he might have a mental something, and tells his mom. She takes him in, they do a BUNCH of tests and come back to her like: Why the fuck did you think he was Quirkless?

Inko: Oh, his doctor checked his toe and there's no joint.

Specialist:... what?

Turns out that test is ten years out of date! So yay.

They learn Izuku's Quirk is he’s connected to some cult in a different dimension as their god and their sacrifices give him luck. He’s horrified by it but frankly there’s jack shit he can ACTUALLY do about it so he just kinda winces when he hears the voices and you know deals with it.

Like he can't play the lottery anymore and stuff and he's not allowed in casinos but other then that he's good. They figure out he can 'turn' it off sorta by directing the luck so Izuku likes to aim it at his mom mostly.

Because LISTEN- He hearts the various threats, prayers and MAYHEM that his cult does. Bakugou really isn't far off. It's enough Izuku goes to his mom about it.

So yeah.

They also, thanks to the insanity that is the hero world, find out Izuku is Immortal and that's just lovely. (Or well, he can't die by anything but old age they think? They dunno.)

I’m pretty sure he ends up somehow connecting to Hidan and convinces him not to kill anyone under a certain age and stuff. Also Izuku ends up somehow being transported to the Naruto world and meets Hidan, and has to prove who he is. AKATSUKI SHENANIGANS. Mostly wtf, your god is real?!

Izuku then goes back to his world. Hidan is mildly shocked Jashin is a kid but figures the world of the gods has reincarnation.

Izuku grows up knowing way to much about how to kill people thanks to this. He also may figure out how to summon Hidan but here’s a strict no killing rule and Hidan pouts but will happily fight for his god!

Izuku sets him on Endeavour. Todoroki swoons. Hidan wants to badger someone into worshiping the god of fire and ice so that his god can have an awesome god as a boyfriend.

Or bug someone into worshiping Shinsou if we go that route.

Or you know both.

Actually, like what if Deidara learns of Todoroki and latches on because super heated air getting cold causes explosions and DOES worship him. Suddenly Todoroki hears Deidara and it is scary.

Itachi secretly starts worshiping Shinsou. Or someone does and suddenly wtf.

It spreads and somehow ALL OF 1A are now gods in Naruto. How? No one knows. They blame Izuku.

Aizawa is annoyed he's the god of teaching because this Kakashi guy is annoying and really bad at it.

[iambilliejeanok]

Gurlll I just have to know what happens afterwards in the Hidan x Reader x Kakuzu fic you wrote. Like does the reader go back to the village like nothing happened? Is there aftercare afterwards? What happenssss?

Giiirl! I’m just imagining she probably goes back home two days later because she needed a recovery period and Kakuzu and Hidan were angels with the after care.

(Iol I love it’s my own story and I don’t wtf to say)

But I also think that she can’t help but think about them and the wonderful night she had with them. Probably gets embarrassed every time someone refers to them.

Maybe on one mission Hidan hunts her down to propose they do it a little more often? She can’t help but say yes because dick is dick and after what she experience she’s willing to die for it😭😭😭

It will probably be a secret just between the three of them but let’s say Hidan accidentally slips it out and now Pein, Kisame, Deidara and Tobi want apart of it👀

Kakashi suspects that somethings up because he can smell a strong Hidan scent on you. He doesn’t really care who you sleep with but damn why didn’t you just ask him? He would’ve gladly done the job probably even better and introduced you to a side more gentle and affectionate.

But I think as time goes on Hidan gets comfortable and wants to snuggle you after sex, he’s obsessed with the way you smell. Kakuzu later decides to give it a try and now you have to fight two grown men off of you so you can actually leave after those nights. They don’t want you to go…please come back ASAP.

I mean I think they probably even end up in a light poly relationship.

I can think of many scenarios lol

Idk lol what would you prefer happens next?

[mixelation]

@zumer-feygele commented:

Wave Arc where kakashi passes out and summons Minato. Minato says sorry I'm busy I'm sending Tori.

insane take, thank you. here's how it would go

after haku runs off with zabuza, kakashi is like: okay kids, i'm about to execute a super special technique only naruto can learn

naruto: ??!!!! A SPECIAL TECHNIQUE JUST FOR ME-- (sees the kunai) oh >:(

minato shows up and is like umm wtf, how did you run into an A-rank missing-nin on this super easy baby-genin appropriate escort mission??? (Tazuna: (sweats nervously)) But actually Minato has a pretty strict policy against teleporting into international missions and like, he'd break it for kakashi or his son ofc, but also the fear the yellow flash could just show up on any konoha mission anywhere is HOW YOU START A NEW WAR. they're still in fire country, whatever, but if zabuza is dead anyway, minato is sending someone else as back-up. ignore that continuing the mission at all with a genin team is insane bc kakashi and minato are huffing the same paint. also naruto gives him puppy eyes

tori gets sent in with about zero explanation or prep time. she's still holding her lunch.

tori: wait what do you expect me to do?

kakashi: idk im passing out now tho

tori gets them to wave because APPARENTLY this is what they're doing now. i'm not sure she could beat zabuza at this point and frankly neither is she. so she's like, fuck it, i'll just nip this in the bud and assassinate gato. no one die while im gone k thanks

sakura: is she allowed to do that?

kakashi, in bed: don't ask questions about things tori does. also i just realized zabuza is probably still alive so idk let's learn tree walking

so tori does a little recon, figures out where gato is, and then sort of... waltzes in. and then. kakuzu is there??

tori: holy FUCK

kakuzu: how did you get in here?

tori: walked

kakuzu, eyeing her up and down: i heard you were a ninja now

tori: yeah man

kakuzu: you don't look like a ninja

tori: yeah that's how i walked in

gato: WHAT IS HAPPENING. WHO IS THIS

and it turns out kakuzu is here on official akatsuki business to check out zabuza as a potential member, but he got distracted by gato (who is the "richest man in the world"). and tori is like, listen, i hear you, but also i'm preeeetty sure this version of akatsuki would be against be terrorizing a small nation??

kakuzu: no. nothing about the letter of my mission contradicts me letting this play out.

tori: give me your ring i want to talk to your boss

kakuzu: no, what?

and tori is very annoying so he ends up throwing a table and then a lightning bolt at her and she flees. she goes back to tazuna's house and she's like: okay the situation is weirder than i thought it was. tazuna do u have a phone

there's exactly ONE phone in all of wave, located at their general store, so tazuna takes her down there the next morning and sakura gets to go too because she mastered tree walking and is his bodyguard. and tori calls a bunch of numbers and talks to a bunch of people and tells a lot of lies and she gets yahiko on the phone

yahiko: i have.... several concerns about how you got this number

tori: dw about it just tell one of your buddies tori is on the line

konan, ten minutes later: hey, what the fuck? THIS is how you choose to contact us?

tori: yeah uuuuh hey nice to hear from you, could you maybe call kakuzu off? this gato guy is terrorizing a small nation u see--

konan: you figure it out, then. (hangs up)

tori, staring at the receiver: wow.

sakura: so when missing-nin show up, you can just call their manager and complain???

so tori is like FINE then i'll assassinate ZABUZA while he's still out of it, catch these hands. so she bullies kakashi for use of a dog and hunts down zabuza. she's goes in all sneaky like because she'd rather not fight haku, but fucking HIDAN is there.

tori: you know what.

tori: i deserve this. self-care. <3

tori: (ASSASSINATES HIDAN)

and obviously she gets caught because hidan can still scream at u even if you assassinate him. she's also nooot cleared to use the Hiraishin in front of people bc she's not good enough at it yet to dodge the target this WOULD put on her back. so a fucked up zabuza and haku are now brandishing weapons at her, and like, she's at a point where maybe she could win? but tori underestimates herself a lot when it comes to combat and also, she doesn't like doing it, especially when if she got into it with them she'd have to kill them both and haku is like 14, so

tori, soothing tones: it's okay. i'm here to help!

tori: you should totally just stab gato and take the money and run <3

zabuza: wtf? who tf are you

tori: what, so you like being gato's dog?

zabuza: no, obviously not, that's why i'm talking to this freak. (nudges hidan with his toe) i thought i was being recruited for this missing-nin club thing? i can't just turn on my employer

tori: no, no, see, being akatsuki isn't about following orders. it's about malicious compliance to get what akatsuki wants.

hidan, currently beheaded: yeah she's kind of right

haku: i also like this option

zabuza: FINE

so tori goes back to team 7 and is like. okay i may or may not have fixed it. and then in the dead of the night someone goes and blows up the half-built bridge.

tori: hmm. didn't see that one coming.

no one is hurt, but technically zabuza was hired to prevent the bridge from being built, so he demands payment. gato is pretty sure he explicitly asked for the bridge builder killed?? but it was a verbal agreement and the ice kid agrees with zabuza so zabuza is like "pay me or pay with your life." and all this very dramatically goes down in the middle of town because zabuza wants witnesses

gato: >:( no >:( i would rather hire a hundred more missing-nin than pay you for this bullshit >:(

kakuzu: so you're hiring?

so instead of a bridge stand off it's a middle-of-town stand off that's kakuzu and hidan vs zabuza and haku

kakashi: i think you..... made it worse?

tori: i think i made it not our problem :)

but team 7 gets involved because of course they do. tori is like, you can't let the BABIES fight-- but gato sends more of his lower tier goons into the fray and she's OKAY FINE, THE BABIES CAN FIGHT A LITTLE-- because she's realized that while kakuzu is definitely stronger than hidan, fighting kakuzu IS pretty straight-cut, but if Hidan gets your blood, you're fucked. so she's like EXCUSE ME, PARDON ME, MOVE, I AM FIGHTING HIM

kakuzu: you let her kill you again?

hidan's upper torso: SHUT THE FUCK UP

and tori rolls both halves of his body into a barrier and is like. phew. jashin-proofed the battlefield. and then she looks deep inside and is like. oh no. i would be upset if they somehow killed kakuzu. and she would definitely be upset if kakuzu killed one of team 7. so she hops into the fight and is like WHAT IF WE JUST SHARINGAN'D HIM

kakashi: tori, i am not itachi

kakuzu: like itachi does? actually i'm okay with this resolution

so kakashi gets gang-pressed into hypnotizing gato. kakuzu wrings all of gato's financial info out of him, and also all the cash he has with him. the genin are kind of beat up but no one is severely injured. kakuzu leaves with gato's money and both halves of hidan and says akatsuki will be in touch with zabuza. zabuza and haku limp off into the sunset.

sasuke: should we, uh. do anything about them....?

kakashi: uh

kakashi: there's really no protocol for this. i say we leave it

naruto: SASUKE CAN YOU DO THAT WITH YOUR FREAKY EYES?

naruto: oh hey, wait, what about the bridge???

and the bridge can be rebuilt, but the financial strain is even bigger now because they lost all that progress and bunch of their materials. but then the one phone at the general store rings

nagato: hello yes this is the akatsuki calling, i heard you were an impoverished nation looking to ward off ninja goons?

and akatsuki is like yeah we'll toooootally loan you money (with only a SMALL interest!!) and even send security detail! we just want you to buy into our pyramid scheme tiny nation union :)

tori on the way back to konoha: so! what did we learn? :)

sakura: rules are made-up and points don't matter

naruto: you can fix a problem by creating more problems!

sasuke: the sharingan can fix any problem via mind control

kakashi: hold on, kids--

Your talk of genin teams makes me wonder... would team 4 ever be jounin senseis?

rn im not really leaning that way, but i WAS messing with the idea of making tori team 7's sensei for a hot second. but their ages don't really line up, alas. maybe she gets temporarily put in charge while kakashi is busy/injured.....?